when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
