Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
