I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
