What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
