I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
