Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
