Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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