I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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