in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
