my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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