No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
