i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
