I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
