Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
