OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
