last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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