I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
