Who did Billy Mays play for?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
