I cockslap morals
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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