I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
