im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
