I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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