The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
