it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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