They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
