Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
