is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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