I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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