if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
