It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
What a fucking waste of an outfit
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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