I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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