Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
We need to get me chipped asap
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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