we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
