This is not my ceiling
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
