just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
