I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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