Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
