I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
