My room smells like vodka and shame
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
