she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
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