the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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