dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
