There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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