My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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