3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
