May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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