What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
