she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
