my being single is dangerous.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Randomize
