meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I think your dad took our porno
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
