Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
