fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize