Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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