So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Randomize