I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
