i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
