its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize