Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
