if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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