If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
