Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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