I must be too annoying 4 u.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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