Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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